TRUMP ADMINISTRATION CREATES NEW CABINET-LEVEL POSITION: SECRETARY OF SYCOPHANCY
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WASHINGTON — In a historic reorganization of the executive branch, the Trump administration announced today the creation of a new Cabinet-level position — Secretary of Sycophancy — to oversee, standardize, and celebrate what White House officials are calling “the federal government’s fastest-growing and most essential competency.”
“We’ve always done this informally,” said a senior administration official who asked not to be named because he was busy rehearsing compliments. “But the President deserves a formal structure. He deserves metrics. He deserves a leaderboard.”
BACKGROUND: HOW WE GOT HERE
The idea emerged from a landmark study by the New York Times, which reviewed more than twelve hours of Trump cabinet meeting footage and discovered that, on average, at least one of every six sentences uttered by cabinet members either flattered the President, gave him credit, or attacked his political opponents. Many of the statements, the Times noted with characteristic understatement, were “not factually accurate.”
White House spokeswoman Allison Schuster reframed this finding as a positive. The cabinet, she explained, was simply “highlighting the exhaustive list of accomplishments delivered on behalf of the American people.” Experts noted this was itself a fairly exhaustive example of the phenomenon under study.
THE OFFICIAL SYCOPHANCY RANKINGS
As Tabulated by the Newly Established Bureau of Executive Flattery (BEF)
GOLD: Marco Rubio (Secretary of State, and now also Secretary of Everything Else)
Current form: Rubio has told the President, across multiple meetings, that he is “the only leader on the planet” who can end the war in Ukraine, the conflict in Gaza, the Sudan civil war, the Cambodia-Thailand dispute, and, presumably, whatever is happening in your neighborhood. “No other leader in the world could have pulled off what happened in Gaza,” Rubio said, in a sentence that is doing considerable heavy lifting.
Previous form: In 2016, Rubio called Trump a “con man” and vowed never to stop “until we keep a con man from taking over the party of Reagan.” He also mocked Trump’s hand size and suggested, from a debate stage, that the future leader of the free world had experienced an unfortunate personal incident in his trousers. He is now the first person since Henry Kissinger to hold the jobs of Secretary of State and National Security Adviser simultaneously, and has been told by Trump that he should never run for office again — which, in this administration, passes for high praise.
BEF Score: 97 out of 100. Deduction of 3 points for occasional pauses between compliments.
SILVER: JD Vance (Vice President, Attack Dog, Cautionary Tale)
Current form: Vance specializes less in flattery than in what the BEF classifies as “Aggressive Opponent Disparagement,” with one in every six sentences directed at Democrats, Joe Biden, or the general concept of the previous administration existing. He has declared that “every affordability crisis confronting the American people today is traceable directly to a problem caused by Joe Biden,” a statement so comprehensive it presumably includes bad weather, slow wi-fi, and the designated hitter rule.
Previous form: In a private 2016 message to a college roommate, Vance wrote: “I go back and forth between thinking Trump is a cynical asshole like Nixon who wouldn’t be that bad (and might even prove useful) or that he’s America’s Hitler.” He also publicly called Trump “an idiot,” “reprehensible,” and “cultural heroin.” He has since explained that he was misled by “dishonest media fabrications.” The road from “America’s Hitler” to “Mr. Vice President” has proven, with the right attitude, entirely navigable.
BEF Score: 88. Strong on opponent attacks; room for growth in direct presidential adoration.
BRONZE: Pete Hegseth (Secretary of Defense)
Current form: Hegseth has stated, on three separate occasions, that the wars in Afghanistan, Ukraine, and the October 7th attack in Israel “never would have occurred” under President Trump — a claim that is technically impossible to disprove and therefore, in this administration, qualifies as policy. He has additionally informed the President that military re-enlistment rates are at historic highs and that “there’s no other way to create that kind of love and enthusiasm than with your leadership, sir.”
Previous form: Hegseth was a Fox News weekend host. He had no government experience. He had no recorded criticism of Trump. His prior qualification for overseeing the world’s largest military was co-hosting a morning television program. In this administration, that counts as coming in overqualified.
BEF Score: 85. Consistent and reliable. Loses points only for occasionally being distracted by controversy.
HONORABLE MENTIONS:
Robert F. Kennedy Jr. (HHS) — Previously called Trump “a terrible human being,” “the worst president ever,” “barely human,” and “probably a sociopath.” Now praises his “encyclopedic, molecular knowledge” and has publicly announced he has “drank the Kool-Aid.” Awarded the BEF’s Most Improved trophy, presented in a ceremony that did not actually take place but would have been lovely.
Howard Lutnick (Commerce) — Declared five times that Trump has achieved what nobody believed possible, and credits him with understanding American industry since the 1980s. The BEF notes that five times in one meeting exceeds the recommended daily allowance.
Kelly Loeffler (SBA) — Stressed, five separate times, how grateful hard-working Americans are to the President. Also thanked him for “bringing faith back to the White House.” Currently touring factory floors in ten states collecting gratitude on his behalf, like a traveling ambassador of appreciation.
Lee Zeldin (EPA) — Repeatedly declared that the President is “willing to take a bullet for this country.” The BEF finds this simultaneously the most alarming and most vivid entry in the compliment sweepstakes.
Scott Bessent (Treasury) — “You have saved this country.” Full stop. Concise. Efficient. The haiku of sycophancy.
THE OFFICIAL HR MANUAL
How to Succeed in Trump’s Cabinet Without Really Trying (Too Hard, Though You Should Try Very Hard)
CHAPTER 1: WHAT WE USED TO CALL YOUR JOB
Traditionally, cabinet officials advised the President on matters within their area of expertise, offered independent analysis, and occasionally delivered unwelcome news when the national interest required it. This model has been discontinued.
CHAPTER 2: WHAT YOUR JOB IS NOW
Your role has three components, in descending order of importance:
Inform the President that he alone could have accomplished this.
Inform the President that Biden made it worse.
Perform the actual duties of your department, time permitting.
CHAPTER 3: THE “ONLY” CONSTRUCTION
The cornerstone of modern cabinet communication is the “Only” construction, defined as any sentence asserting that the President is the sole human being on earth capable of a given achievement. Examples from current practitioners include:
“There’s only one leader in the world that’s capable of bringing the two sides to a table.”
“No other president would have been willing to empower those warriors.”
“Donald Trump is the only president who understands.”
“If you had not won the election, we would not have won the A.I. race.”
Note the elegant versatility of this construction. It can be applied to foreign policy, domestic economics, military recruitment, energy prices, and artificial intelligence. Advanced practitioners apply it to all five in a single meeting.
CHAPTER 4: MANAGING YOUR PREVIOUS STATEMENTS
Many of you have prior records of calling the President a con man, a sociopath, culturally equivalent to heroin, or the American Hitler. The Bureau of Executive Flattery advises the following three-step remediation process:
Step 1: Blame the media.
Step 2: Explain that you have since seen what he can really do.
Step 3: Never speak of it again, and hope the internet has a shorter memory than it does.
CHAPTER 5: TERMINATION
Flattery is necessary but not sufficient for job retention. Four cabinet members have already been fired or resigned this year. The Bureau notes that the President is the only leader in the world who could have assembled such a cabinet, and is also, presumably, the only leader in the world who could disassemble it.
IN CONCLUSION
The Secretary of Sycophancy position remains, at press time, unfilled — because, as one official noted privately, “everyone is already doing the job, and nobody wants to share the credit with a colleague.”
Nominations are open. Qualifications include a demonstrated ability to locate, on short notice, a fresh superlative.
Previous statements will be reviewed. Previous statements will also, upon request, be forgotten.
FTS
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